By Grant
“Life is a journey with problems to solve and lessons to learn but most of all experiences to enjoy”. Not sure the author of this quote but I’ve always lived by it. And in this spirit we (Delphine, Alex, Simon and Amandine and I) decided to escape the kids and nip up to the Ocean Forest Eco Lodge along the southern coast of Costa Rica to explore our own consciousness using the sacred tropical rainforest medicine of Ayahuasca.
It’s not easy abandoning your children in a foreign country without a house so let me assure you this was a big deal. Both in concern for leaving the kids but also the importance this journey was to all of us. Luckily we have Apple but the Pollards have 4 kids and we have 3 so poor Apple was stuck in Flamenco marina in Panama City with 7 kids. We managed to find a wonderful young lady Clementine to help look after the kids while we were gone. The funny thing was that the kids were having so much fun without parents that they didn’t want us to return.
This journey was always going to be different for each of us with each having their own inner desires, challenges and emotions they want to explore. Each having something unique they wanted to explore. This is my personal story.
The journey to the lodge was a challenge in planning and terribly fun in its own right. Our original intention was to sail up and anchor in the bay near the resort, afterwards we would sail to Coco Islands and then to the Galapagos. But the winds this time of year would have made that journey impossibly challenging so we decided to find an alternative. After much searching we managed to find a good solution. From Panama City we caught a small 6 seater Piper up to the border town of David and then we took a short taxi ride to the border, checked out of Panama, walked across the border, checked into Costa Rica and then jumped in another taxi which took us to Sierpe which is a small town on a river. From there we caught a small boat down the river and back to the Pacific Ocean and were dropped off near the resort where we then walked a few miles along the beach to the Lodge. What fun it was. 5 adults away from their kids and acting like kids. Perfect.
The weather was perfect for the whole journey – beautiful bright and sunny in the morning and then a little rainy into the evening. As I was walking along the beach towards the lodge absorbing the setting sun over the Pacific, you realise how lucky we are to be doing this and just how incredibly beautiful the coast of Costa Rica is. Large swells were rolling in and the sea offered some breathtaking surf breaks. Pairs of Macaw parrots were flying overhead and squawking. This truly is a breathtaking place and I couldn’t think of a better place to explore ones consciousness.
This is exactly the moment I started to feel slightly nervous and excited about what was to come. Unlike the others I chose not to read too much about what Ayahuasca was and just thought that I would let whatever be. But I was in a strange and mystic place and somehow felt more nervous than normal.
Delphine and I and Simon and Amandine were assigned forest cabins and Alex was given the Oceanview cabin lower down near the beach. The whole arrival experience and setting reminded me of Bali and the various eco lodges we have been to there in the past. The simplicity of the construction, the sharing meal times and delicious healthy food, the landscaping and the strange spiritual feeling you get when you arrive.
Our host and journeyman was Jonathan. He was there to meet us on arrival. And I guess he was everything you would imagine. He doesn’t call himself a Shaman but you get this feeling about him. He was originally born in America but has spent the last 27 years of his life exploring the powers of plant medicine in the Amazon rainforest with many different shamans, healers and cooks (he spent five years as the ayahuasca cook where he was training). He spent years of his life writing a phenomenal book ‘Rainforest Medicine: preserving indigenous science and biodiversity in the Upper Amazon’. I can’t say that I have ever felt a strong feeling towards the powers of shamanism, but once I saw the book that he wrote and the depths his book goes into and the depth of his studies I felt incredibly safe in his care. He often spoke of going to ride on the sky barge and it would be all wonderful but I still felt an enormous amount of trepidation and anxiety. After all I have many dark demons inside me, most of which I would prefer to suppress and never face.
We spent four nights at the lodge in total. Day one was just our arrival and getting settled. Day two was the Sunrise Ritual. Day three was the Main ceremony and taking of the medicine and the fourth day we had was to recover and rest. Normally you would spend around 7-10 nights but with our kids alone on the boats with Apple we squeezed our trip.
The cabins were simple and comfortable. No windows, only mosquito nets covering the openings and you get to hear the jungle around you. No civilisation for miles and miles. No roads. No sounds other that the ocean waves and the jungle noises. Very primitive and for me very very comforting. I have always felt a great peace come over me when I am in nature and even though completely different setting I felt like I would when deep in the African bushveld. Delphine was as always incredibly organised and had brought everything we would need and frankly within only a few hours of arriving I felt completely relaxed and ready for this journey. After an early dinner and a cup of tea we were all in bed under our mosquito nets.
The following morning at 4am we would start our cleansing ritual. We all prepared ourselves for the walk up the hill in pitch dark to the ceremony temple on top of the hill. Another simple but beautiful structure made from wood, bamboo and a corrugated iron roof. No walls, doors or windows but a small fire burning in the middle and a half dozen hammocks hanging between the columns. Around the fire were a few small stools and ominously on the south side a large cauldron where the tea was prepared. The setting definitely catches your attention that something quite profound will happen here and that many before us and many after will have life changing experiences in this place. A certain level of trepidation was felt amongst us all. I certainly was very nervous because I had been told that this ritual would involve a lot of vomiting. And as weird as this may sound, I have never been good at vomiting and I was scared I couldn’t actually do it. I was very nervous but didn’t show it.
We each were told to find ourselves a hammock or bed and made ourselves comfortable. The ceremony would start at 4:30am and would conclude after sunrise. The temple is built to face north and I chose the furthest North West corner which also happened to be closest to the small outhouse organic toilets a little walk away. I thought with what was to come an easy access would be smart. Always trying to think ahead. However what was to come made no difference.
We would be consuming a huge volume of yagé leaf emetic which according to Secoya traditions, before drinking yagé medicine the participants must consume this mixture, which purges the toxins and balances the body’s pH. This is crucial to any healing or detoxification program. The following day when we would drink the proper yagé medicine, the body would be prepared for the ceremonies to come.
The tea would have an immediate effect at purging you of all your bowel whilst also giving smaller amounts of the hallucinatory DMT. The morning ritual was not the main ceremony but was designed to prepare us for the main event. We would drink enormous amounts of the yage tea out of a bowl. We were told that typically you should try to get through at least 3 huge bowls (over 3 litres) but some could take more. Jonathan gave us a tip in advance that we should each find a tree to lean on.
Simon went first, then Delphine, Alex and I. It was not long before Simon was running for the periphery of the enclosure to release his first projectile. I use this word on purpose because it is hard to explain it any other way. I would avoid going into too much details because firstly it just isn’t a really nice thought and secondly there were some truly embarrassing moments but somehow in the moment and on that hill it all just felt so normal and natural.
For me it was hard. I struggled to release but when I finally did it flowed voluminously. I was having very little hallucinatory effects until my third bowl. But I also struggled to continue vomiting. This is the moment I started to realise I was entering a new realm and I needed to let go. I did the best I could and in between bowls I would lie in my hammock and allow the tea to spirit me to wherever it needed to. It was not an easy morning but the purpose was to purge ourselves for the main event which would happen the following night. I was glad when it was over and happy to retire with Delphine to our little cabin. Simon had pushed hard and drank 4 and a half bowls and truly let go. Amandine seemed at home in this world. Alex was controlled and Delphine was seeing lots of swirly strings of colourful beads in her own world. Nothing had prepared any of us for what would come the next evening.
After the effects of the tea wore off and we all accepted that we had done all we could we headed down for breakfast. Back to civilisation and seeing other people. Normal people. The rest of the day we explored the amazing place, the beach, the forest, the grounds, the birdlife. It truly is paradise. And we all retired early with tea to prepare for our big day tomorrow.
When we woke on our 2nd morning we were allowed cup of tea or coffee but that was all for the day. This day would be a fasting day and no food or water was to be consumed. So we all took it pretty easy. I enjoyed a beautiful solitary walk on the beach and tried to imagine what the night would bring. The morning also brought us some sad news that Amandine would not be able to join the main ceremony because her moon had arrived and the sacred ceremonies should never be done whilst a lady is experiencing her period so very very sadly she would have to sit out. What added to this was that all the planning and preparation to come here had been made entirely by Amandine and she was by far the most excited about this journey. Plans were made for her to enjoy a different journey alone that night and now it was just the four of us.
The rain started to fall in the mid afternoon. Not the usual type of rain but enormous buckets of rain that would put most places into a flood warning but this is a tropical rain forest and somehow the rain just disappears upon landing and the skies just keep dumping down more. As evening approached the nervousness increased and I felt a strong feelings of trepidation.
I was worried for myself but also for Delphine. In all our wonderful 15+ years together she has always been pretty controlled and when she was not in a comfortable place I always felt like I was there for her but tonight I was not sure how it would all play out. The plan was to begin around 9pm and and finish around sunrise the next morning but the enormous rainfall delayed Jonathan from getting all the things he needed up the hill. As I have said before, Jonathon has been doing this for 27 years and he has collected many paraphernalia and musical instruments to help bring upon the medicine and spirits. I cannot talk too deeply about all these parts to the ritual but I can say that during the evening Jonathan would be looking after us playing music, burning incense and chanting along. Sounds crazy but wow how important were those moments!
Once again we prepared our own area with blankets etc and I chose the same North West corner. Delphine chose the bench near me and made herself a comfy bed. We prepared the little fire in the middle and waited for Jonathan. When he arrived another hour or so passed whilst he prepared. All this extra waiting didn’t help quell my nerves but finally the moment arrived and we were all ready.
In the ceremony of yagé, the drinking begins in the evening, but the fullness of the ceremony really takes place after midnight and closer to three in the morning. From 3 AM to sunrise is when the healing occurs. According to the elders, between 10 PM and midnight is when the primal energies of the Earth and the earth spirits are present; from 3 AM to sunrise is when the celestial spirits descend. Therefore one could generalize that most ayahuasqueros work mainly with earthly spirits, while yagé drinkers call the Yagémopai (the people of yagé), which are celestial immortals, also known as Wiñapai (always new-people) and Matëmopai (heaven people). We were to become Yagémopai.
Each yage medicine dose is only a small glass a little bigger than a shot. The effect should start to appear within 30min or so from taking your first glass but for me it took significantly longer. I actually fell asleep after my first cup and then decided to take 2 more cups when I woke. This probably was a poor idea in hindsight. For when the medicine took effect it came on extremely hard and at first I was terrified. It is so very difficult to write about these emotions and feelings that you experience but for me the fear was almost unbearable. I felt like my body was a vessel for a very scary demon and he kept wanting to exit my chest. I could see him tearing my chest open and looking up at me. I was told to not be afraid and let the medicine do its work but I was too scared. For myself and Delphine. I would suppress everything with all my mental strength and let me tell you I have some special powers in this regard. I turned my attention to Delphine to focus on her. She was breathing very very deeply and was very far far away. We were all struggling with the need to vomit and pooh in amongst the inability to walk and talk. I think it is fair to say you are completely and utterly vulnerable but for some weird reason you don’t care. You are not embarrassed. You just accept that you are all in the same world.
Whilst I struggled along and lay for the most part silently in my hammock fighting off my own demons, Delphine came up to me (more like crawled up to me because she could barely walk) and whispered in my ear not to worry about her. I believe she sensed my concerns and realised how they would compromise my own experience and so she used all her strength to tell me this. In some strange way one of the most touching experiences of my life. This simple act of kindness also seemed to open a light in my own journey and the demons I was fighting became a little less. My body tingled everywhere and I could talk to inanimate objects with ease and hear them talking back to me. A rock in the ocean spoke of how happy he was and how lucky his life was because the ocean washed over his back everyday. A tree and I had a long conversation about happiness and the tree spoke of the brief sadness he feels when a leaf drops but then extreme happiness in the knowledge the leaf, his leaf leaf, would be given back to the earth and the soil.
Whenever the emotions became too severe you would find Jonathan coming around with his incense and melody and you would feel a calming affect. The medicine is always present. The waves don’t come and go but rather they just go from big to bigger. The sounds from around the enclosure are deep sighing and breathing and at one moment I heard Simon call out to Jonathon, help help. I clumsily climbed out of my hammock and stumbled over to him and asked him what’s wrong. The response so terribly captures the setting. He said, “For starters, I’m on the ground, I’m cold, I cannot move and I need to shit” Funny as this sounds it was not funny at the time and all my efforts went into helping him get comfortable. It was not easy but it was a moment. And explains the vulnerability you experience. You can feel that you are not alone and that everyone is deep in magic. We were so fortunate that we were amongst loved ones and close friends, under the guidance and watch of Jonathan.
I cannot say that I was ever comfortable, or that it was a pleasant experience. None of it was. It was hard and challenging and deeply troubling at times. But I left the following morning with new vigour to question. With new purpose to challenge. With a new energy to love and care more deeply. I left knowing how little I know and how so much I must still learn. And most importantly I left knowing there is goodness in all of us. And there is still goodness in me.
Each of our stories for the evening would be different. But somehow this collective experience brought us closer together. I didn’t wish to spend any longer. I wanted to go back to my children and hold them and treasure them. I wanted to continue sailing and I wanted to feel the breeze in my face. Thank you Jonathan for taking us on this journey. Thank you for opening our eyes. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.